laughter is the best medicine thread

[Tommie]

Love it!!

[peach]

short and sweet

[ShariV]

[forgingi]

The old, blind and brave cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels . After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you
tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things…

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Tommie]

 

[peach]

I like them both 

[peach]

One Day a Teacher was Talking about Marriage in Class...

Teacher :  What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny :   I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher:  Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny :   No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

[Tommie]

Who would clean the house? A maid?

[peach]

a young male wouldn't even think about the house I would think he would be more concerned about where his food would come from.




TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS.

 
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. 
 
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!!!!!!!!!
   

 

[Tommie]

I've been sent this before but it does make for a good read...


SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
   

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes,
grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
 
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold
spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a
possible freeze.
 
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the
plants. When it had warmed  up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under
the sofa.
 
She let out a very loud scream.
 
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see
what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
 
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time
the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
 
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to
lie still and called an ambulance.
 
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the
stretcher, and started carrying him out.
 
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the
man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
 
The wife still had  the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up
newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and
told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
 
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under
the sofa.
 
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.
 
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,
saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back
of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp
to a point where it needed stitches.
 
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on
the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that  the snake had
bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began
pouring it down the man's throat.
 
By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...
 
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken
fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
 
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.
 
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of
the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb
broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
 
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window
into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into
the street, where an  oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the
parked police car.
 
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the
street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and
disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get
the house fire out).
 
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired,
the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their
world.
 
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for
that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.
 
And that's when he shot her.

[peach]

is that what they call the domino effect?

[Tommie]

I believe it is!

[peach]

An old man and  woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. 

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the  night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of  the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors  feared him. 

They believed he practiced magic because of the many  strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. 

The old  man liked the fact that he was feared.  To everyone's relief, he died of a  heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the  funeral. 

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and  began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her  safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out  of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"







The wife put down her  drink and said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down. 

And  I know he won't ask for directions."

[peach]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I

quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was

standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking
about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our  local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow
this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very
miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up
playing my Bagpipes.

 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she

was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re
obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when

she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going
through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if
she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six
people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The
foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head

with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service!

[Tommie]

The ones I understand are funny! I'm sure the others are, too, but I don't know why.